I used to think growth meant getting rid of parts of myself. The overthinking. The staying busy. The way I'd push through things instead of slowing down. It all felt like stuff I needed to work on, like if I paid enough attention and tried hard enough, I'd eventually outgrow it.
The Framing That Stopped Working
For a while, that framing worked. It gave me something to aim at. Something to improve. But the longer I paid attention, the harder it was to call any of it random. Those patterns didn't come out of nowhere. They showed up during specific seasons of my life, usually when things felt uncertain or overwhelming. They helped me manage what I didn't have a lot of space to feel at the time.
Once I really saw that, it complicated things. Because you can't talk about something like it's just a flaw when you realize it helped you get through a season of your life. You have to admit it did something for you. It kept you moving. It kept you functioning. Even if it's not something you want to keep relying on forever.
Growth Got Slower. Less Inspiring. More Honest.
After that, growth didn't feel very inspiring anymore. It felt slower. A little clunkier. Less like I was "making progress" and more like I was catching myself in real time. Noticing what I did when I felt pressure. What I reached for automatically, without really stopping to ask if it still fit.
There's a strange in-between phase there. You're aware enough to see what doesn't fit the way it used to, but you don't yet know what replaces it. So instead of fixing or changing anything right away, you're just sitting in that awareness. Letting it be uncomfortable. Letting it take more time than you'd like.
It's less about becoming someone else and more about paying attention to what you keep doing out of old necessity. What's still there because it once mattered, not because it still does.
Let's sit with it.
Frequently Asked
Why is it harder to change a pattern once I understand where it came from?
Because you can't dismiss it as a flaw anymore. You see it did something for you. That changes the work from elimination to relationship.
What does growth look like if it isn't fixing yourself?
It looks like catching yourself in real time, noticing what you reach for automatically, and asking whether it still fits — without judgment.
How do I sit with the in-between phase?
Let it be slow. You don't have to replace the old pattern with something new immediately. Awareness alone, held without urgency, eventually shifts the system.
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